If you are like every other person walking around North America, you have been inundated with Christmas songs for a month already. Some Christmas songs are classics and despite the fact that you’ve heard them at least 1 billion times in your life, they don’t make you want to top off your orange juice with vodka by 7:00 in the morning … unless you are an alcoholic or an engineer, in which case it’s understandable and probably not related to hearing Christmas songs.
As part of my ever-expanding goal of educating the general public on all things architecture, there are certain public service assignments I take on because I like to think I am more than an architect … and the people demand that I share my superficial insight on all things. Today I am tackling Christmas songs and I am going to give you my personal Bottom 10 songs so that you’ll be in a position to justifiably add vodka to your orange juice should one of these songs start playing.
Even though I am going to start by listing my 10 least favorite Christmas songs, I’ll let you know what my 10 most favorite Christmas songs are tomorrow just because I don’t want to get a lump of coal in my stocking.
The 12 Days of Christmas
Almost every parody of this song is better than the original – and who can remember all the words?!? Is is 12 Maids a ‘Milking and 11 Lords a’Leaping? I think these gifts would suck to receive anyways. It certainly doesn’t help things out that this song is something like 45 minutes long. Admit it, the song only starts sucking after the 5th day of Christmas – they should have stopped with the 5 golden rings.
Santa Baby
Eartha Kitt
Is this the most inappropriate Christmas song every recorded? The gift list of a gold digger who is seemingly willing to put out in an effort to get what she wants from Santa. [shivers] She wants a mink coat, a convertible, a yacht, a duplex … a duplex?!? With all that other stuff, I think she’s setting the bar a little low here in the ask department. Oh yeah, don’t forget to trim the tree with Tiffany’s jewelry.
Aren’t you a little old to be asking Santa for Christmas presents?
Merry Christmas, Darling
The Carpenters
Life. Force. Draining.
I don’t really have the appropriate words to describe just how much this song sucks the life out me. I’ve heard from several people who this song is one of their absolute favorites.
unfriend
Little Drummer Boy
My introduction to this song came from the terrible same titled stop motion television show produced in 1968. I watched it most years (even though I hated it) because it was a kids program and it was either watch this or watch HeeHaw because the only time Little Drummer Boy came on was Sunday afternoon – even the TV exec’s back then knew a dog when the heard it.
Pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum. There are sixteen lines in this song and they sing “rum pum pum pum” 21 times … talk about an ear worm burrowing into your brain.
I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
Gayla Peevey
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas … clearly this girl has some issues and hasn’t really thought this through. Novelty Christmas songs make my face hurt and this one is a doozy. Hippopotamusses isn’t really a word is it? She wants a hippopotamus for Christmas, and now I want a pair of ear plugs.
All I want for Christmas (is my Two Front Teeth)
Spike Jones & His City Slickers
Annoying is the perfect word for this song (although “sucky” works pretty well.) Sometimes you might catch a break and they won’t play the full version – the sorta-beginning of ‘Twas the Night before Christmas’. The reason this kid is missing his two front teeth is because someone probably punched him in the mouth and knocked them out. Do I feel the Christmas spirit when the kid tells me that if he only had his two front teesh that he could whish me a merry chrishmash? No, I do not.
Bonus loser points for the heavy kazoo and slide whistle action in the song.
Deck the Halls
Mannheim Steamroller
In all fairness, any Christmas song by Mannheim Steamroller is a little irritating and this version of Deck the Halls – despite its obvious popularity (just how many Germans could there be?) – is the most irritating. I looked up and saw that Mannheim Steamroller has sold more than 40 million albums … I couldn’t believe it. I looked up and saw that the number one “White Elephant” gift is an album by Mannheim Steamroller with plastic corn cob holders coming in a close second. (I totally made that up)
Grandma Got Run over by a Reindeer
Elmo & Patsy
I will admit that the first 200 times I heard this song, I thought it was kinda funny … but in the same way that 10 year olds think smelling someone else’s farts is kinda funny. I think I was 11 years old when this novelty song came out and by the time I had heard it 3,000 times, I was still 11 years old.
Jingle Bells
Barking Dogs
… my life is draining away. The idea for this song came from a Danish record producer, Don Charles, who recorded his five dogs barking. He then spliced it together on a reel-to-reel and the rest is history. For the record, the five dogs were named Dolly, King, Pearl, Caeser and Pussy.
That’s funny, I would have guessed their names were “Shut up”, “Idiot”, “Get out of Here”, “Idiot #2”, and “Pussy”.
I only made it to nine … I just couldn’t stand it anymore.
